PenIs

A secretary got a pen as birthday gift from her boss.
She sent her boss a 'Thank You' note via SMS.
The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message "Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks"

Moral: Space is essential in every successful married life!

~

Still In The Crate

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow, right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin - in every vay."

The doctor told him" "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal & keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4 sided splint & taped it all together, quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her & they went on their honeymoon to Duluth.

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof, you're the first vun! No vun has ever seen deez."

Olof immediately dropped his pants & replied, "Look at dis Lena, still in DA CRATE!"

~

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your 'arse', didn't it?"

~

Family Problem

An Indian and an American were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems.

Shot after shot.

The Indian said, "We have problem in India. We can't marry the one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love. I told my parents that openly and now have a hell of a lot of family problems."

The American said:

"Talking about love marriages, in America we can marry the one we love.

Let me tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated her for three years.

After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married

her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son; my son is my father's brother

and so he is my uncle.

The situation turned worse when my father had a son; now my father's son,

my brother, is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems?"

~

Confucius

Confucius DID NOT say.....

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

~

Complete & Finished

Is there a difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED ?
There is.

Example:

When you married the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you married the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are …. COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

~

Faceless

M1 : If I were to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off playing golf and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us family ?

M2 : Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even.

***

Son : Mom ! What are you and dad doing ?

M : You know your dad has a big tummy, sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.

Son : You are wasting your time.

M : Why is that ?

Son : Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.

***

M1 : Have you tried the new 'rodeo' sex position yet ?

M2 : I haven't even heard of that one, what is it ?

M1 : Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's". Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

***

M : If i die, I know you'll eventually remarry. So as soon as I'm gone, I want you to sell all my stuff.

W : Now, why would you want me to do that ?

M : Well, I don't want some other arsehole using all my stuff.

W : What makes you think I'd marry another arsehole ?

~

Pick Up Line

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE:

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this new state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it’
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

~

Fart

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over the display case to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a young salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the aplomb one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'indiscretion', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam....if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price".

~

The Itch

This was a story copied from the life story of wise Birbal, an adviser, a hindu to the great Moslem King Akhbar of the Mughal Dynasty.

Once upon a time, lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and thattests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick.

The moral of the story............Pay your bills !!!

~

Free Loaders

In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.

And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.They miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

The Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied:-

"They were at work."

~

BP

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.

Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?

''I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered………….BP.

~

Just For Laugh

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal'

~

Its Friday !

Durex says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."

Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months."

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning."

Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!"

~

Dumb Blonde

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

~

Old & New - Logically Correct

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, 'Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

''Yes, I know,' said the lady. 'I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.

''But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any underwear and everything is exposed!' said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, 'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!'

~

Tale Of The 2 Ghosts

Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died.

1st ghost : How u died?
2nd ghost : I freezed to death.

1st ghost : How does it feel?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not much sufferings.

1st ghost : You're so pitiful.
2nd ghost : How about you? How did u die?

1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that running, I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost : Why didn't you look for the bastard in the fridge? If you did, both of us will be still alive now!!

~

Catch 22

In a small town, a guy decided to open a Pub, right opposite a Church. The church priest & its congregation campaigned to block the opening of the pub with petitions and daily prayers against this business.

Work however continued to progress. When it was almost complete and was about to open, a powerful thunderbolt of lightning struck the pub building and it was burnt to the ground.

The church people were smug about his disaster. The pub owner sued the church authorities saying that the prayers of the church people were directly responsible for the destruction of the premises.

In its response to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility and any connection that their prayers were the reason for the pub owners loss.

Having looked over the paperwork at the hearing the Judge commented : "I don't know how I'm going to decide on this case, it appears we have a pub owner who believes in the power of prayer, and we have an entire church that does not."

~

Peanuts

A tour bus driver, driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself.' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

~

Mad Cow

Marvin took his wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took his order first.
"I'll have a strip steak, medium rare please."
The waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started ........

~